I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
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*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too