*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
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Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar