“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
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A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..