Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
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You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I’m literally crying
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills