Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
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i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”