judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
You Might Also Like
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”