“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
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dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
i was baptized in a car wash
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.