Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
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*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.