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What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face