Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
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*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?