Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
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Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Good Morning.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.