If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Ha
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.