Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
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[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.