who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.