If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
You Might Also Like
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?