Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
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I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
…..pretty much.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I cannot call her anything else now
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.