The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
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Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”