I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
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If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi