At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
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All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
the three genders
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!