To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
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LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
According to math, I’m broke
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?