I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
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I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.