Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
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Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…