Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
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Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
OKAY DAD
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.