“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
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Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Pringles
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life