*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
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Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.