A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
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Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Twitter fine art
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens