[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.