*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
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I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”