You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
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I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.