Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
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Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!