Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
You Might Also Like
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time