People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
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When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I support this random dude and all his protests
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.