boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
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Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.