Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
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Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
*exercises sarcastically*
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*