Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
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A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Seems a bit forward
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]