Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
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“How’s your day going?”
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.