Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
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ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.