5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
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I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.