Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
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“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Birds & Planes.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”