If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
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If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Meow
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)