I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
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Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If you know, you know 😂🚔
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine