weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
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[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
My teenage children choosing violence
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.