I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
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And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show