There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
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Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great