My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
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Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Why is everyone getting married at me
Holy moly
He died doing what he loved: being alive
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Gemma Correll