Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
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when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once