My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
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(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Happy thanksgiving
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.