remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.