I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh