There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
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commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
everyone’s a critic
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
#Caturday
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Bros before Ohioes
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight